Klingons for Jesus Theology


Beliefs : Our beliefs are identical to that of Evangelical Christians. We believe in a triune God and in the cosubstantiality of Jesus and the Father. However we throw in some Klingon terminology to confus...that is to make new Klingon converts more comfortable.

So when witnessing to Klingons please use Kahless instead of Jesus, Pahtk instead of Christ, HuH Pahtk for Blood of Christ, Yintagh for Christian, T'oohomirah for Christianity, Forshak for Baptism and so on. Properly done Klingons will not even realize that they are abandoning their culture or religion believing that they are actually practicing a variant of their own beliefs.


Abortion: We killed all the dinosaurs. And if you ask about them, we'll kill you too. Got any questions?


Salvation: We don't believe that good deeds have anything to do with being saved. You can be a mass murderer or serial killer but as long as you accept Jesus Christ and have faith in him, you will go to heaven. If you spend your entire life helping people but reject Jesus, you will go to hell.


Killing: As followers of Jesus Christ, we support war, mass murder and killing in general. The soul of anyone killed either goes to heaven with Jesus which is a good thing or to hell with Satan which is also a good thing since they clearly belong there. As such killing can only produce a positive outcome by sending the righteous to heaven or the wicked to hell.

From the Emperor Constatine to Adolf Hitler, Christians have killed more people than anyone else and we look forwards to improving on our averages in the 24th century all for the glory of Christ.


Abortion: As Christians, Klingons for Jesus opposes any form of abortion in which the mother survives the child. Classic Christian abortion is practiced by killing both the mother and the child as was done during the Albigensian Crusades when mothers were murdered along with their children. Any type of abortion where the mother survives is godless and she must be killed so that she may join her unbaptized fetus in hell.


More Killing: Killing, like stocking your basement with bazookas for the day when the black helicopters come for you, can be a good thing when applied for the right purposes. Killing is a tool like a Hole Hawg or a Bird of Prey, it's only wrong if you don't use it for constructive purposes.


Satan: Big, red, has horns. We're still on the lookout.