1. War on Christmas
As Christians we are of course tolerant of others faiths and beliefs as long as they tolerant of us.
Examples of intolerance towards Christians include
A. Refusal to acknowledge that we are the only true religion and celebrate our religious holidays.
B. Refusal to acknowledge our beliefs and laws as the only ones by which any nation may be ruled by.
C. Refusal to congratulate us on our holidays the way we want you to congratulate us.
When any of these occur, the only thing a loving Christian can do is fight back against this war on our culture, religion and diety. A War has been declared on Christmas and we are determined to fight back in defense of this pagan holiday which has no biblical roots whatsoever and we will not stop till everyone has a tree in their house or a corpse hanging from their window.
We have been attacked and we will defend ourselves by slaughtering anyone who doesn't celebrate exactly what we celebrate the way we celebrate it. Heathen beware, celebrate our pagan holiday or die!
2. War on Bill O'Reilly
As Christians we of course worship Bill O'Reilly as our Lotr and Savior. It has come to our attention that some people have been mocking Jesus O'Reilly and we warn them that it will not be tolerated. Mock our Bill and we shall mock your Al. Also behead you.
Now hear the word of Bill, infidel pagans!
3. War on Decency
Decency is very important to us. Our rules of decent behavior are as follows.
A. If you are gay, immediately open an ex-gay ministry. Then feel free to continue having sex with male prostitutes.
B. If you are a dinosaur, have the decency to lie about it and claim to be a mammal because officially you don't exist.
C. If you are an unwed mother, consider wearing one of our tasteful scarlet A's available in our gift shop.
4. War on Ducks
As Christians we are wholly and utterly opposed to the vile creature known as the duck which fornicates in public places and sheds its feathers.
Therefore we immediately declare a War on Ducks, to be known as Duck Hunting Season. Yea and amen.
5. War on KirkHe must die. Our highest honor has been sworn to... what? He already did? By falling off a ladder? Yes that is terrible, really really terrible.
7. War on You
War on you, that's right you. If you read any of this and snickered then we hate you and when we hate someone we don't just sit around and do it passively, we make a virtue of it. So prepare to be hated as only Klingons who have found Jesus can hate. With Bat'leths.
6. War on Nitpickers
As Fake Klingons, there's nothing more we hate then people who nitpick us and poke holes in our disguise. And so we declare war on nitpickers. Just try and point out that instead of wearing brow ridges, we just have a comb over and some swarthy makeup (or is it the other way around?) or that instead of speaking the Okrand approved Klingon, we're just gargling with salt water.
7. War on NumbersWe can't count, which means no one else should be able to either.